depression

2006-12-24T23:46:00.000-08:00

people..an update on blog

-I change url le..=.- l0l..ya A-G-A-I-N

www.illusional-fairyland.blogspot.com

honestly finding it hard to keep updating blog..but i'll try..l0l

2006-08-30T07:42:00.000-07:00

todae...was so tiring...my legs are killing me...the rehersal stretched till very long...then we addedd in a lot of moves but i cant sinchronize (wrong sp.) my movements with the blowing...so i everytime act act...haii...somemore i first row in the middle...die le die le...tmr give chers all their presents...finally but fin le...todae feel very moody..cos...feel moddy lorh...lol

I just remembered that must type chinese compos like 2 of them in by midnite..just remembered plus tmr need wakie at 6am plus havent file history file...man, it's gonna be a long nite...wish me luck

Todae...saw doreen with her eldds, she ham ham me..hai...den i coconut her back lorh...den todae pei wen feel sick...i could see she realli feels pain...i was kinda scared..scared she...like really turn pale..haii...if tmr she cant...i'll be so dead...hmm..cant depend so much on junior..haii..

tonite will be a long night..oh and happy bdae to little nickie...wish him always stay small...try nt turn old...lol

2006-08-28T03:56:00.000-07:00

i;ll just jumble everything up cos so much hab happened. well ,course my grades slipped like siao..too late to pull up mua socks?? then todae got cher dae rehersal practise...OMG we swyed for so long, tad my feets are killing me...plus i kp looking down to peep at the scores but i cant see properly so i kp blow wrong...=x then..my practical was an UTTER I REPEAT UTTER DISASTER cos...i left water in the the pan and just heated it...it became chao ta and got smoke then 2nd time was the handle with water...i wanted to kill myself...without germain, i would habb totally broke down...luf her loads...then badminton...haii...it was so bad for the rally tad...we got 5 out of 20!! the 2nd chance we got 2 only...hey, she said it was my fault...but as she return the ball it was so to the side till at the utmost end of the u noe...net...then the 2nd one was directly under the net as she served low ball...i told her b4 i cant catch...so mua fault?? dun wish to fight again...i'm so tired of quarrelling with her everydae...yes, everydae every minute...oh and guess wad...i have the same brand's watch as yong ting...just found out todae..lol...funny how things work eh...i tink he and gin gort smth on...hmm...lol, ok jk...today was ok larh...i guess...oh further updates nxt time if possible...ohya, so ever grateful today no chemistry test..i didnt study much...=x

2006-08-21T05:10:00.000-07:00

> " a room is too small for 2 people"<

{ i lost my life}
well, it might be for the better, cos if i live by my own. i'm probably think a lot much more...at least i'm concealing my feelings now...but the pain is growing inside me, i shall wait for a day when it realli erupts... today was terrible.. cos my maths -4 marks. 2pid careless mistake. still like a jerk. funny how things work out. germain and i came a long way, from enemies to best frens hu fight all day, and piss each other off yet make each other laugh hysterically..[well kin of anyway]

ohya, confirm liao..by wed must hand in coursework if not will kanna cant cook..i really scared cos i cooking prawn and deep-fry somemore...haii...the oil *pia ppia* splatter...i kanna a lot of times le...wed will be kinna of a toll to me, cos chi common test, practical going into FINAL!! plus ngee-ann city performance. hey, must go support...hopefully like tad oso can shed some wt cos i need to slim by sat...more sun... tis sun kao silver...scared...haii...

so much pressure, so little time

2006-08-19T20:43:00.000-07:00

it's been a terrible week and everyone's falling into stress mode.. just hope ppl wun break down esp. me..cos if i fail lit thad would be the very last straw...since i did so ever badly in phy while everyone did so good...haii...as i always say, life's terrible as it is...so i did a good slacking and watched tv on fri till i fell asleep =x...oh sat went swimming and oh my god. i tink i zhou guang...cos we did the straddle jump and my swimsuit was 2 piece u noe like a shirt and pants kind and when i jumped the shirt went all the way up...and i THINK my instructor saw... then i was DEAD embarassed...by stella' mum said she didnt see anything...so let's hope nothing goes...anyway and sat..slack as usual...took a 3 hr nap...cos i was so busted of the 1 wk...then todae...woke up early...tv again..the show was so touching...i mean they divorce yet they still lurve each other and the wife blocked him from an arrow and NEARLY died..and it was all mushy and all...but still...sad..and till now..i'm posting..gonaa chiong hw like all sundays...so will try to post...if not stella go and sae nvr update...haii...she still kinda owe mi 2 post writing bout me...and the 1st one didnt even count cos she wrote all of my bad pts...

2006-08-17T05:11:00.000-07:00

::a gurl with one life::
i slept at 1 last nite so i was all groogy and all..i tink today was passable i guess...when i went for the west zone thing most of the ppl diligently did it well except me...plus i'm the slowest and the one with the most qsn so mr kat looked at me strangely..den..i'm really a zombie le..i'm afraid for the test tmr...cos u know...my badminton is the lousiest among the 2 classes...plus. there's a presentation tmr...pls our grp no preparation at all...plus today go promote book but the responses are real poor...i havent do math and lit and habb to tink how to persuade ppl buy a thin but so ex. book..i totally flared up at someone todae..haha, she deserve it naiwae...=x cant stand her...plus..i'm just beat..it's so taxing..plus todae's band was okie larh, get to practise enka..which opening i'm sso lousy in.. nothing much to post..

:depressed: no one understands:
:no one care for me:
left to fend for myself:

2006-08-16T06:24:00.000-07:00

recently...didnt post cos too depressed and sad..i realised tad even if u put in effort, things wun work out the way u expect it to be...u cant believe how stress i'm...i've been having sleepless nights 'cos I need to do project and hw..I felt like a zombie today. After my friend's experience, i finally realise too tad all guys are bad...i mean ***** seems so devoted yet...this happened..but anyway, i've sworn off this kinda luf luf things...though it's still sad, but the pain is reduced..my grades are still dropping as usual...still the usual foul mood...dieing...when ive revived myself..i shall post again..too-dles

2006-08-10T00:32:00.000-07:00

hey, sorry for nt posting for ssho long...the connection got prob..so NDP i was so stressed and freaked out cos got solo with alice and then the rehersals i kept squeaking on EVERY NOTE!! but on the actual day i didnt squeak at all...but blow 2 soft...so back to square one...bout the same...hols hor..tues went out till very late and ystrday i slacked and todae gonna chiong hw and test again...todae yvonne's bdae..here would like to wish her happy always..then..nothing much i guess...the math olympia...haiyo...i tell u tis yr sure dunnoe de zhui hu...so many hiccups...must go back for test...den...okie larh..i dun tink gort ppl faint on the NDP...and i heard that during our ngee-ann-city performance gort gold with honour band performing same dae...haii...how to compete...kinda worried...then..during concert i heard that the mc got prob...dun worry alyssa we will still luf u..=x then we missed the whole concert due to naggings...then missed the 2a performance..why the music different arh...wad happen..kinda lost...then...see the npcc ppl so high dao...keep jumping...then jocelyn and i looking at them..haha...some even went to stage...but it's fun larh...but kinda sad...cos i disowned a fren and all..and i saw him...but i TINK we now still frens larh...life's so messy...then...i cant believe it...my fren sae her dream ph is v3x...leng diao..if onli she knew...and ohya, esmund is a lustful guy...haha

2006-07-31T00:19:00.000-07:00

haii...i slept early on fridae like 8.30 which is such a record..cos u noe i nvr sleep early. den on sat..there's ndp rehersal den...walau..first thing we do issh drills..haha, actually quite fun larh..quite like to march..but so early sweat a bit not nice...den we kanna punish cos sec 4 sae we slack..hmm...den quite happi larh cos i use new rit den can still sustain...den saw nicol...now dun want fren him le...everydae ask me intro chio bu...so fan...=x..luckily he wun read tis...den fren came over and after tad went out and came back like at 12++am haii...shho tired. cos i cut hair AGAIN, shop a bit..saw this long shirt reach till hip...quite like it...but kinda ex...haii...okie den go uncle house..adult yak and i read strybook [the ancient one] cos u noe skool sae must borrow strybook actually reading shopaholic ties a knot...den todae horrh...going out again at nite..haii. so much commitments..=x then todae quite sian, cos ystrdae slept late...den todae's physic rite...chiong like siao...cos 30 mins do so much...my mcq sure die and the...structured oso paralyse liao...so in all...lan dao cnnt lan..then quite sad larh...butden got prepare and try my best, sld be no regrets larh. recently, i've learnt tad marks arent everything. started to realise that sld concentrate on other things like family, frens and blah...so marks gort drop a lot =x...but happi sld be can le larh...erm. rite..den aisyah nvr come...sobs....wish her well...

2006-07-27T06:23:00.000-07:00

nothing much happened today. Math australian is pretty ok. first few qsn
-find 95-83
-covert 0.5 into fraction
but the rest of the few qsn are difficult larh, where gort so good, let u sit there, lac lac...lol. then, things gort weird when cai yong's guitiar suddenly vanish from fat air. can't wait till tmr's badminton...muahaha. then i can see mr teo do all the farni exercerises and play badminton. kinda obseessed nowadays. =x Doing Home Econ project with germain. Patched up with Stella, feel kinda closer to her. weird. early in the morn, we were told to go library. i tot wad happen like wad 2b do wrong, den go borrow books. den alyssa started like wanting my book den i was in a delimma and gort a lot of crap happen. today's guitar lesson was okie cos my guitiar is finally tuned! but when i enter the car i hit the top part so for sure kanna out of tune syndrome...sad...today at round 4++pm like gort storm brewing. so strong a wind. then i was standing in front of the gate den gort so many leaves come lugging towards me like...dunnoe wad like tad...ok, kinda ok larh. just sad during chinese lesson. guess only alice in chinese lesson knows why..haha...

bad attitude

2006-07-24T03:15:00.000-07:00

as I've said, bad attitude equates to total frustration close to mental and physical breakdown. So i had an issue with stella today...kinda rough...then everything was ok. tsu kian and pit soon still continued to sae yan ni's chio and all...and normal spasm from kelvin. Bing ru suddenyl on the urge of comparing marks with me...the math common test was better than i expected. i've been slacking since i got home and...was thinking bout him..and finally had some progress..as in i tink i can see him as a fren liao. in this way, i'm much more happier. let him and her do well...and tmr's a chem test...bummer..was on a terrible mood swing from a sad, to happy to anger and all...how i wish i can come home early all day. it would be so shuang. i feel kinda...weird...no up to sad but...kinda sad...ok, now i'm bullshitting...but yarh, days without aisyah is sad...today's history lesson was so scary. miss fazlin started to tell us bout the horror of japanese occupation..wad they did to chinese...was so kong bu tad...i realli dun wish to tink bout it...haiish, better go do my homework and stuff...

2006-07-23T06:57:00.000-07:00

dunnoe if it's visible or norts. kinda just do it, before i burn midnite oil, studying coomon test. i'm so killing those 2 monkeys in skool tmr.

project

2006-07-23T05:57:00.000-07:00

today, i went to yong ting's place do HOM project. first of all, sk was late and all and didnt buy strofoam board!!!!! bing ru was even worse, he tot it was nxt nxt week. I felt so fed up and went over to his place first. den tad guy so ma fan, still need go toilet, den bring down another thing. When they came it's already 1 hr later. we had no choice but to but those thick thick one. den we make and make. A lot of crap took place. First, sk release CFCs and throw "snow" everywhere. Den bing ru is fan tong. rice bucket. den over there like typhoon like tad. at certain times, a strong wind will blow everything on the table away. Plus, cos we paint i wanna go his house wash paint. den the cheung weng and sk trick me sae 8 floor den they run so fast until i was all *gong. they intentionally played this dumb trick on me..@#!%*&+ den actually 5 floor onli...walau, i got so fed up that i went off after tad. but it was almost done anyway. In all, it was hot and all and the worst day ever.

Cultural fiesta nite

2006-07-22T07:41:00.000-07:00

It was pretty chaotic larh. though we didnt win but it was still pretty fun. For one, i wore a short skirt and no guys made fun of me, that went by truly surprising. Cos I never NOT get teased. Run in the blood. Not the pass down by parents kind but u noe, my class...anyway. Today was pretty tiring. My usual routine, went swimming and all those stuff. Stella cant go cos she's sick and all. One thing bout the cultural fiesta night was that u get to see so many cute and farni costumes. Real interesting ones like princessess, mumies, pirates and many more. Mr foo had the big, 'to die' hat and all. Since I was wearing the skirt, I had to sit with my legs to the side throughout. Oh god, I do not know how Danielle stands it. I was so...cant find the correct word. Anyway, my grass skirt was to worse cos I kept skirming and all, so all the stuff fell and got torned. Halfway through the dance, angela's fell off. kinda embarassing. I was only tad bit nervous which is considered quite good, cos i'm a nervous wreck. Anyway, it was ok. We danced, see people danced and play guitar. Saw seniors and was quite high at certain times.

2006-07-18T06:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you find it real frustrating to wait for your parent to come home for dinner. Yet, I find it blessful. I mean, i used to feel that way too, until my pawpaw went to China. Then it's all kinda lonely. Today, we had lomo and we totally revamp the whole thing. I totally slacked todae, not studying history. I think overall, it turned out OK. Oh, and I hate stella! muahaha..she bully me. I've got nothing much to say, just thad I'm so ever tired.

2006-07-13T05:22:00.000-07:00

Yup, we went to Gin's house to project! Yah! Too bad Stella never go. It was pretty fun, cos we joked and all. We thought of a very funny idea and actually ended ON TIME. haha...i'm so ever fed up with the shoe

2006-07-07T08:48:00.000-07:00

I finally reached enlightenment! I gave up on a non-existing relationship. It took me a long time before I finally and completely got over him. I decided to put my whole heart in my family. I feel so relieved. I have been suffering these 5 months. I truly wish him and her a blissful future. One thing that happened today was that my mum and I were playing a short badminton game and we had a ceiling which looks like a gutter, a one which has spaces. Of all the time I surfed and hit the shuttlecock, it all went in. All 4. It was kinda funny. Today, I went to Stella house and..ahem, gossip. Then I went out with my mum and shopped a little. I think I'm going to play badminton tomorrow. All 'cos if PE i have to learn badminton. Can you actually believe we are graded for this! Now there's a 2 period at one go, taking my life out of me!!! Then, sunday is project. Stella can't go. :( I really pity people who actually read my posts, so boring. I'm now really afraid of the word, love. too many painful memory and flashbacks.

bannd

2006-06-28T06:28:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty depressed about it. I mean I really do think that there are some issues and it's really unfair. but what can I do about it. Sometimes you just get so fed up, just because you aren't all sweet, popular, you lose out a lot. it's such a terrible feeling. I'm in quite a bad mood today. hai, and I don't even know why. I reduce in weight, si I guess that's good. Things seem to pass by very slowly today. My love life is terrible. All in all, my life sucks as it is.

2006-06-19T07:57:00.000-07:00

the concert was pretty smooth-sailing. I was told that I was frowning on stage. haii. I left early afterwards and didn't get to bid seniors farewell. I'm so sad and remorseful. They taught us a lot and though I'm not that close to them but it still hurts all the same. haii, things will never be the same. Wish them all the best. See, now tears are welling up already. Though I always make them angry, but...but..I don't know, but I'm really sad. Feeling so silly. Sometimes when they scold you, you feel like ur boiling up. but now when there's no one to scold you, it's worse tham being scolded...

hols

2006-06-09T20:17:00.000-07:00

It's almost been 2 weeks and I haven't start revising or anything. [ic] I guess with the FOY and balloon hat festival and many other band practises, math olympia, oral and sutffs, I barely have enough time for myself. I also haven't pack my messy room =p Today was a total disaster, well for swimming that is. My instructor said that I have gained weight. sobs, now I have to lose weight again. Then, I kept knocking into people with my stupid backstroke and I kept getting water in my face and nose. Sidestroke wasn't any better 'cos I barely had the energy to push myself against the current. I was so tired that I nearly fell asleep in the cubicle and I was so groogy that I went into the place where we enter the swimming complex instead of the exit place. Luckily no one saw me. But, at least I didn't fail the timing for the 2 lengths of breaststroke, still maintain at round 3.18. PheW! I'm gonna go camp in school for band, 2 nites 3 days. Guess what? We sleeping at 12am and waking up at 6.45 lyketad, I mean I can't possibly survive and we're gonna do physical training, I definitely don't like the sound of that. But hopefully can lose a bit of weight.

~despo&& signing off----

first entry

2006-06-09T06:04:00.000-07:00

have you ever thought of how wonderful it would be if there was world peace and that no evil ever reigned in life? People could just leave a huge sum of money lying around and no one would even think of touching it. Yarh, in my dreams that would happen. But what hurts me most is the word "trust". There were times when I will just break down and think that why? Why, when I believe in that person yet she harmed me. I once naiively thought...or put it as didn't even gave the thought of like guarding against others. I keep thinking that no one will harm or sabotage me yet was I ever wrong. When someone tell you that others have an ill-intention against you, you just won't believe them. However, when it really happen, you'll just find an excuse to escape reality. Though I've suffered a lot of times, but I'll still keep my hopes up, 'cos if I lost the whole morale/*yi nian (sorry, i've forgotten what the word is) there will be no meaning in my life anymore.